Friday, June 25, 2010

~Scatter Brained and Losing it~

IF you feel like reading this entire post feel free. Know in advance I'm venting today - not looking for a pitty party, just needed to say some things "out loud" ha! I may jump from thought to thought as some of this is pretty random. Just been jumbled in my head.

Nuts I tell you!!! That is what this house is full of lately, myself included. We've been here in this home for 2 months. I can't even believe it! Where has the time gone? That is a question that I'm constantly asking myself.

So much has happened since being here. I've been on a handful of face-to-face interviews, have had more than a handful of phone interviews and even had one offer that I turned down. This transition from being a Stay-at-Home mom/wife to looking for work has been a bit of a hard one for me. I LOVE being home with my kids. If money were not a worry, I'd be home. I am bit old fashioned I guess but I don't need a career to feel fulfilled. I would love nothing more than to keep a tidy house, run errands, and cook in my kitchen barefooted all day. But no matter my attempts, those pesky bills keep finding their way into our mailbox and I'm told that as an adult I'm to pay those bills. Really?

Sometimes lately I feel like my kids are suffering from my rash decision to move. I NEEDED to be away from Texas. It was making me crazy. By suffering, I just mean that now that I've been looking for work, it's almost become my full time job. I'm making calls, searching the internet, faxing my resume's etc. In-between pretend play, making lunches and cleaning sticky fingers all at once. The house chores are getting ignored more often, the dog misses the big back yard. I know 'cause she mopes - she paces the tiny townhouse yard a couple times then slowly comes to the back door wimpering to come back in. Anyway, Ashlynn will say things to me like "Mommy I miss you" and it breaks my heart. While I am happier mentally being here, I've been so focused on finding a job and finding a caregiver for the kids that my play time with them has dwindled. I mean, we play and read but even I have noticed that my patience is short as is my temper. I'm so stressed out and I try to hide it from the kids. I miss Jack. I worry about his failing grades and his bad temper. I constantly question past and current actions that may have led him to where he's at right now, mentally and emotionally. Ugh.

My husband (thank goodness for him) has been working TONS of overtime to help compensate for the added income we have incurred since moving here. He's tired, scared and sleep deprived. Our house in Texas is STILL NOT RENTED. We've sold everything... everything to be here. We just had to sell our pool table (which we thought we were gonna be able to hang onto!) to make rent. It was one of those ridiculous purchases when we moved to Texas. We had the perfect room for it. We found it on sale, still couldn't afford it but I wanted my husband to have it. We put it on layaway for TWO YEARS. Seriously. By the time we had paid it off, our lives had changed. We now had a baby girl and another baby on the way. Both of us knew at that point it was silly. But it was paid for and the nicest piece of furniture in the house. Today, some men came and picked it up to deliver it to it's new family. It was sad. Not at all because I loved it so much and had to have it or something. Sadly, it's the last "large ticket" Item we had left to sell to make it here. No added pressure to REALLY REALLY find a job in the next couple weeks or anything...

We have a ton of boxes still... I am trying my best to shed myself. As I get older I realize that the stuff I hang onto belonged to a past that I no longer know or want. It's all just stuff. Stuff that I'm ready to just put on the porch with a big free sign. I'll just stick to the things the kids need and the stuff that belongs in my craft room (that I don't think I can EVER let go!).

Now it's lunchtime and I suppose I'll go make them some sandwiches and take them to go play at the park before it's time for me to get on the computer and job hunt this afternoon.

Thanks for "listening" to my rants. Til next time....